A lesson learned the hard way

So this is how it goes:

I'm really mad. I'm upset, hurt, angry, frustrated, and crying all at once.  I am prepping myself to never talk to this person every again. I tell Brian it's done, this friendship is over. I'M OVER IT! And I'm feeling pretty good about that fact. I'm done with the crying and the loathing and the self pity and I've come to a peace of mind, an understanding and an acceptance that this can no longer be.  Then something more divine has to step in and ruin it all.  It says this to me heart, "Hilary.  Be wise.  It's okay to be hurt and to be angry, but you need to learn from this.  You need to take this experience, forgive the person (although that doesn't always mean go back to being friends, because sometimes it's IS better to stay away so those angry feelings don't keep coming back), and move on... Learn.  Something that this person did to me, might or most likely IS something I have done (hopefully in a smaller way) to those around me.  So, begrudgingly I get on my knees and I tell my Heavenly Father the anger and the hurt I am feeling.  I pour out my heart to him so He can take it away and help me heal.. then I ask him to help me never be the same.  To help me see the good in this person and to be better myself.  

So this is what I've learned:

Be there.

Be there for people even when to me, the request may seem insignificant and small.  If someone asks for help in my mind I might say, "well they can find someone else or figure it out, it's not my problem"... or "it's not a big deal anyway."  But maybe to them it is a huge deal.  Maybe to this person who hurt me my request seemed unimportant and insignificant. But to me, it was a plead.  I really needed help and I turned to someone I knew, or thought I knew, I could count on.  Although I have forgiven this person and thank them for the lesson learned I will always see them differently now.  Now in my times of need, their name will no longer be one of the first to pop in my head.  They won't be the one I want to confide my worries or trouble in.  I don't ever want to have to rely on this person again so much that when they don't come through for me it hurts me more than I thought possible.  But I'm thankful, because now I am a better person.  It only makes me that much more determined to be the friend my friends think to call in their times of distress and need.  To be the one they cry to or share stories with and want to be around.  I want to be a positive influence on those around me; I don't want to bring down a room with my somber attitude and my sad outlook on life.  I want to be positive. I want to be there.

 I am so thankful for my husband, Brian. He lends a listening ear and a helping hand and a strong shoulder to prop up my sobbing head on and he does it all without judgement.  He lets me complain, curse, yell or whimper and he does it all with compassion and care and at the end of the day he is my best friend and all I need in this world. He lets me be grumpy, silly, goofy, mad, energetic, simple, complex, hard working or lazy and he loves each side of my crazy and exasperating personality!  I love my husband. 

And I'm grateful for a lesson learned. 

so....hungry.....can't...go on!

I am SO sick of being sick, I am ready for the healing to be finished! I did get the weird braces out of my nose so that is nice but it is still a little sore.  That was a very strange experience to have these big plastic things pulled and twisted and brought out of my nose... it felt like my brains were coming out!  Although I am now able to eat some softer foods like baked potatoes, cottage cheese, etc.. I am craving some other things! Here's a few of the things I miss the most...
-Polynesian pizza made by Brian
-movie theatre popcorn
-nachos
-cafe rio
-chips and queso
-Zupa's salad
-HOT soup
-cookies... crunchy and warm chocoloate chip
-Garlic cheesy bread
-Wendy's JBC and FRIES!
-Sodas... Diet Pepsi with Cherry and Vanilla...mmm...
-carmel corn
-onion rings
-spicy food
-mango salsa
-pineapple and other citrus/acidic fruit
-Winger's sticky finger wrap
and a lot more!  I am so hungry and sick of eating practically nothing but feeling bloated because I'm constipated from my medicine.... which is also making me nauseous which makes it hard to eat even the soft things. UGH! It's frustrating.  At least I lost that five pounds of love handle weight I've been wanting to get rid of :/

Happy Father's Day!

I LOVE MY DAD!!!
Happy Father's day to the best dad in the whole world. My dad is so special to me and I only wish I could find even a fraction of the words I need to describe how I feel about him, but for now I'll just try.
All growing up my dad was my hero, and he still is today.  I was always his little Princess Hilary, his "big H" and his "daddy's girl". I still remember holding baby Rachel and someone saying she was a princess and I made sure to chime in, "no! I am the Princess... Rachel is the Angel" because I didn't want anyone replacing me as my dad's girl.  He would never deny though, that I am his favorite and always have been.  Most people would think that is a bad thing for a parent to say, but my dad has always been proud to tell anyone who would listen that his girl Hilary is the most like him.  And every time he said that, I would just SWELL with pride. I couldn't ask for more!  My dad and I shared a lot of the same dreams growing up and he never put them down or said they could never happen.  I was in LOVE with horses as a kid and always shared my dad's desire to own a ranch and have lots and lots of horses.  Instead of telling his little girl to go to school, not worry about that because it will never happen or to just enjoy my horse pictures, my dad signed me up for horse back riding lessons.  I was in heaven! I still remember going to classes, riding around the coral, and practicing saddling up a horse on my barbie horse next to my dad on the kitchen table, while he quizzed me about the parts of the saddle.
 It was always my goal each and every day to please my dad; one wrong look from him and I knew that I needed to switch gears quickly.  The day I disappointed my dad would have been the worst day of my life. (And still will be).  A very special memory I have that I don't share often shows me just how much he meant to me and how much I, in turn, mean to him.  I can't remember the circumstance, whether it was not getting along with my little sister, throwing temper tantrums, or saying bad words but for some reason my dad wanted to talk to me. I remember sitting in the front room couch and my dad telling me that I needed to watch my temper and it would be a good idea if the two of us had a "code" so that when he could see me starting up, he could give the code word or phrase and that would remind me to keep my cool. Dad was watching.  I thought that was a great idea and only now do I think that maybe the code phrase was a bit of a inside joke he shared only with himself, but I still remember sitting in the car once when I must have been acting like a brat because my dad looked at me and said, "huh... look at that!" (feigning to look up at the sky) "the ducks fly South in stormy weather..."  That shut me up.  I wanted nothing more that to remain my dad's favorite little girl but I think the reason that code was such a success between us was because we ARE so similar, that he knew exactly what I needed.  I also remember while sitting on that couch (whether it was the same day or another I'm not sure..) my dad saying to me, "now don't forget that I love you. You're my favorite of all the kids but you can't tell them or they'll be sad. Instead, how about every time I wink you remember that that means I love you and you're my favorite".  Let's just say that for years after that I watched for those winks and my heart would soar every time I saw one, even though I'm sure he'd forgotten out little code soon after.
I also love my dad though, because he is amazing. He knows his scriptures inside and out, he knows how to befriend people who don't have friends, involve students who don't want to be involved and run a family. I've heard countless people tell me they LOVED having my dad for seminary because he is so cool and funny, as well as other students who have said they wouldn't have served a mission if not for my dad. That makes me so proud! Most kids might be embarrassed to have their dad teach at their high school but not me! I was so excited and got into his class three semesters in high school. I think it helped me with my popularity for everyone to know who my dad was and still to this day if I run into someone from HS who doesn't know me all I have to say is, "did you know brother Pearce?  ...ya that's my dad" and I am welcomed with open arms to any conversation. On my first date with Brian we walked past the temple and began talking about the Urim and Thumim.  We couldn't come up with an answer to a question we were looking for so I though, "hey I'll call me dad!" and we did. And he knew. I LOVE knowing that I can always count on my dad to know the answers to whatever scriptoral and religious questions I have. He has always been my rock when it comes to that.  I have also always looked forward to father's blessings every time the first day of school rolls around, I get sick or I'm nervous for an audition or something; I always knew he would be there to do it!  I still remember my senior year of high school I FINALLY decided to be brave and sing. I wanted so badly to be a moonlight singer because I love jazz and I love the harmonies and everything about them.  Dad told me that after school I should come to his office and he'd give me a blessing before auditions.  I remember I had practiced and practiced my audition the night before, but when the end of that day was drawing nearer, I felt sick.  I literally had tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't think straight. I have never been confident in my singing and I was about to just give up. I happened to have my dad's seminary class at the end of the day, though, and I think he could tell I needed him.  As soon as everyone was out of the classroom he ushered me in to his office, went to get Ron Adams to help, and gave me a quick and simple father's blessing.  He blessed me to be confident and do my best and that was really about it, but I felt this wave of calm come over me and I couldn't help but smile through my tears.  I went to the SBO room to meet up with Bruce who was also trying out and could tell he was just as nervous as I had been.  I was surprised to realize that I was the one reassuring him and that I wasn't nearly as jittery as I had been before! In fact, I actually had a BLAST at auditions and didn't get moved from the group once! (Jane would change the group up to see which voices blended the best together).  I made the group and I was very proud of myself. It was that experience that helped me realize that maybe I DO have a decent voice and I shouldn't be afraid to share it! But more than anything, my testimony of blessings was strengthened, and my knowledge that my dad is my rock and my comfort was once again reassured.
I could go ON and ON about everything I love about my dad but this would be super long and never end.  So instead, I'm going to list a few more things I love about my dad and just hope that this gives a little justice to the feelings of love I have for my daddy. :)
-his loud laugh
-he loves salt as much as I do
-his talent in baseball and karate
-I can always brag about the fact that my dad is a black belt
-the way he always talks on the phone SO loud
-he loves the pool water to be colder than anyone else likes it
-he loves to bbq
-his love for my mother; he has never been ashamed to kiss my mom in public or to tell her he loves her or cuddle on the couch in front of all the kids!
-the way he teaches
-how he can always answer my questions about the church
-he helps me write my sacrament meeting talks
-he is everyone's favorite!
-his great sense of humor
-he loves to read fantasy books like Harry Potter and Fablehaven
-action movies
-he loves to spend time with the family
-he used to feed me crap stories that I believed for years, like the refineries were perfume factories and there were monsters inside the Bear Lake cave that ate blondes!
-when he has an idea he is SO passionate about it. He can't stop thinking about it until it is done
-he is creative
-he supports my mom
-he supports me!
-he loves life
-he loves scuba diving, mexico, vacations, traveling and adventure. I definitely get my sense of adventure from him and my desire to live all around the world.
I could go on and on and on but I won't. I hope my dad knows how much I love him and that he is the BEST dad I could have asked for.
I LOVE YOU DAD!

Surgery time...twice!

Well I had my surgery finally and let's just say... MISERY!
Everything went well but it is just a whole lot of pain and I can't wait for the next three weeks to pass and be done with.  The doctor said everything went well but I had a very scary experience when I woke up early Friday morning at 4 am to take some lortab.  I noticed something draining down my throat really fast and I thought that was strange.  Normally I have a lot of bloody mucous draining down my throat from my nose surgery but this was different.  I tried swallowing my pill to see if the water would help clear it but instantly felt sick.  I picked up the designated "throw up bowl" that was next to me and spit, and from the light of my cell phone I could see that it was really dark and wet.. too wet to be mucous. I spit again and suddenly more and more drops started falling from my mouth. I was stunned! I felt my nose to see if it had bled through the wrappings and started coming through my mouth but it was dry and the longer I kept my head down the faster it was dripping. I really started to get worried so I laid my hand on Brian's knee and he woke up with a start and asked if I was okay.  I think I said... "Um... yes unless blood spilling from my mouth is abnormal.." Brian jumped up and flipped on the light and I was right, it was blood! At this point in was spilling from my mouth in bursts like it does in the movies when someone's arm is cut off, you know how it will spray and kind of gush off and on? Ya that was coming out of my mouth!  I stood up with the bowl and walked into the bathroom while Brian called my mom to see what he should do. I couldn't see anything wrong but of course my mouth was full of blood but I could tell now that it was definitely coming from my throat and not my nose. Brian came in and said he was taking me to the ER. I was trying to wipe my face and fingers off with some wet wipes but at this point I was getting really scared because the popcorn bowl was about an inch deep of blood; it was coming fast.  I said okay and started walking when I remembered the story my mom tells of when my sister was born.  She was having complications and was losing blood quick, my dad gave her a blessing and asked the bleeding to stop until they got to the hospital and it did. This story just flashed quickly in my mind so I said a prayer as we were walking out the door. It was like I told my Heavenly Father that I KNEW he had helped my mom and I knew he could help me, so to please stop the bleeding until I was with a doctor. As soon as we were outside and up the stairs Brian asked how if I was okay and I noticed the bleeding had stopped. That was at least somewhat of a relief. We got on the freeway and Brian rushed me to the ER.  About half way there though, I knew I was going to be sick.  I'd had a TON of blood drain into my stomach and it was not happy... I threw up twice and couldn't believe the amount of blood that came out of my mouth! At this point the bowl was literally half full (and it was a big popcorn bowl) and I had blood all over me. I felt so sick!  We got to the ER and I walked in the front door and kind of laughed to myself at the unprofessional appearance the nurse let slip through when she saw me and said, "holy cow!' and when Brian said, "uh.. we need help..?" she was like, "uh ya no kidding! um.... LINDA?!?! " ha ha. I could tell she didn't see too much action in Davis County.  They sat me down and couldn't get over how much blood I had lost.  Hooked me up to IV's, gave me some pain meds and washed off my hands and face while someone called my doctor. By the time he arrived I was pretty relaxed and ready to just get whatever was next over with.  He told me the stitches had torn and that it was very unusual but not impossible or unheard of and that my two options were to leave it and hope it stayed closed and didn't bleed more, or go back into surgery and sew it back up again.  Of course I chose to sew it back up again but I was a little sad. I was FINALLY feeling a little better the day before and was able to eat some really soft foods and now this. When I was out of surgery and had woken up I just wanted to get home, so as soon as they gave me the okay Brian wheeled me out of the hospital and took me out, but now I am in pain ALL over again. It's almost worst because my throat was already raw and sore and then he had to re-burn it and seal it up. Boo! It is killin me but I am a survivor.
Brian says hello.
I am just ready for the next couple weeks to be over!  

Two Years to Eternity

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband now of TWO years!! I know it doesn't sound like very long, but to me it's a wonderful statement!

Yesterday, Brian took me out to a really nice lunch at the Cheesecake Factory! mmmm :)  We never spend that much money to go out to eat so that was a yummy treat. The food was delicious and of course we ordered two pieces of cheesecake to go!  Then we spent the evening at the hotel where we stayed on our wedding night, The Little America. Fun! It brought back lots of fun (and funny) memories of two years ago to the date and it was very romantic.  We just enjoyed spending the whole day and evening together. We went shopping at the Gateway, bought some chips and queso dip at the Cafe Rio where we had our first date and invited our besties Taylor and Becca to come swimming with us! Weird? Not really.  We are so comfortable around them and enjoyed sharing our special day with them. Besides! You can really only spend so much time in the bedroom.

So while we were out and about I also spent a lot of time in my own head (something I do quite often) reminsicing about our second year together and everything we did. And we had such a blast!

Here is our year in review:

On our anniversary last year, May 31, 2009, we were living in our new apartment in Landover, Maryland! In the beginning of May we took a very long road trip to New York thinking that's where we would spend the next four months.  Needless to say we lasted there for a few weeks then the company we were working for (Pinnacle Security) decided to move to Maryland to hopefully have better luck selling security. I was a little sad at first not to live in New York, but it ended up being the best thing ever!  Although I loved seeing Brian's mission in the short time we were there, it was hard and expensive for me to get into the city, and I was pretty nervous about going without Brian anyway. So Maryland was a new adventure and we were only about twenty minutes outside of Washington DC! 

Our first anniversary was on a Sunday, so we stayed in a cooked dinner together, then baked a cake!  I made sure to get a cute #1 candle for our first anniversary!  Then Brian took Monday off and we went to the Six Flags theme park that is in Maryland.  It was about five minutes away from our apartment! We had fun and reminisced about the six flags trip we took in California on our honeymoon!

In June we were able to do some fun things with the company we were with.  Brian played a lot of basketball and I went to the pool every morning, but one of the highlights of the trip was the Washington National's Game we went to!  We had so much fun and they even won!

Other happenings in June were (of course!) my birthday!  Brian took me out to dinner and a movie and then, if I remember correctly, I probably made him take me out to my FAVORITE Italian ice place in the world, Rita's! I recommend that place to anyone on the East Coast.  Also my friend Ashley came to visit me for a couple days and we had fun doing some sight seeing together.  Brian even came along with us for a day! We had a blast but I felt bad because it rained the whole time.

When we think back on our adventure last summer, something that ALWAYS comes up in conversation is the Fourth of July. I was a little hesitant about going into DC and chillin on the Mall along with all of the MILLIONS of people out there, but I am SO glad that I did! I wouldn't change that experience for anything. We had so much fun and I don't know if I will ever be able to experience something like that ever again.

The Metro was INSANE after the fireworks. We got lucky and got on pretty quick but we still had to wait for almost two hours to get on and once we were down there I couldn't believe how many people were crammed under the ground.

I also had a blast with my little sister Rachel when she came out to MD to visit!  I was a little worried about keeping her busy with sight seeing the whole entire time, but it turned out we didn't even need an agenda.  Granted, that didn't hurt to have a list of the MANY things she wanted to see and do, but it turned out we found a lot of random fun along the way doing other things!

.... 

 -We snuck in to a cemetary after hours through a very cool hedge.

-Found a little baby bird who couldn't fly, picked him up and named him Arly

-We went to Six Flags on what must have been the HOTTEST day all summer, but got on to every ride without even waiting in line. I think we went on the superman three times in a row without even getting off.

-We got lost in China Town and saw that the Jonas Brothers were there performing, and took a picture of some Lesbians and a car with scary doll heads stuck in the windows...

-We ate some hot dogs from a street vendor and bought matching sweat shirts

-Saw some really good street performers, and some really crazy ones

-We walked up and down the streets next to the Capitol for an hour searching for the metro.  Boy were we relieved when we finally found it!!

-We got in trouble for standing in a fountain to take a picture

-Saw fire flies up close for the first time and spent a couple hours behind a hedge trying to catch them and put them in a water bottle to keep

-set off an alarm in a museum for trying to touch the butt of a naked statue

and a few more crazy things! I love my sister and I think Brian was glad to see me having so much fun, even if it was a bit immature and silly in his eyes ;)

Brian and I also made many trips to one of our favorite places on the East Coast; Ocean City!

When August came Brian and I were getting sad to leave our new home and wanted to take one last trip to New York before we went home to Utah in case we didn't make it back for a really long time.  I had so much fun with my husband while he showed me around his mission, introduced me to some old members, and explored the city with me!  He took me shopping, showed me everything AND allowed us to splurge on a show I had been dying to see for years... WICKED!  It was so much fun!  We stayed over night in a hotel because we had to drop our friend off at the airport the next morning, then Brian's aunt Doris and cousins Kashmere and Whitney flew in that next morning.  We had a really fun day showing them around New York, taking them shopping, and ended the day by driving into Harlem.  We even saw the famous Harlem Riders motorcycle gang as well as the Apollo theater! It was fun! After we dropped them off at their hotel, we couldn't bring ourselves to leaving, so we found a table in the middle of Times Square, bought some ice cream, and just sat.  We probably sat there for an hour or more, just enjoying the lights, the sounds, the smells and the people watching.  Brian and I are so much alike when it comes to vacations and sight seeing. I will never forget our trip to New York together!

Brian playing chess with a random guy in Times Square

Aunt Doris, Whitney and Kashmere

This is James Elleby. Brian baptized him on his mission and I got to meet him.  He is one of the last living, original Tuskegee Airment. Amazing!

After that trip we were finally (mostly) ready to make our way home.  Poor Brian had to spend his birthday on our last day of our road trip home, which was the worst of all because we drove through Nebraska and Wyoming. BORING!  Sorry Brian! But it was nice to get home and see our families, especially Graci and Makenna. It's amazing how fast little kids change; all it takes is a couple of months!

Once home we wasted no time in continuing our play time! In september we had a blast going to the State Fair! We spent time watching shows, walking around in the heat and watching people.  Later on we met up with our friends Nick and Leslie, my brother Trevor and his then girlfriend (now wife) Sherstin, and my cousin Jenny and her husband Tyler to watch the rodeo!

As fall came things slowed down a little bit.  Brian went back for another semester at Weber and got a new job working for Domino's pizza and I started another school year interpreting for Davis School District.  In October we had family pictures:

and I had a fun time doing some modeling for my friend Colby Koch to use for a portfolio. Brian was an amazing support and stayed with me the entire time while helping me with wardrobe changes in the car and stading out in the freezing cold with me!

In November it was one of my best friend's weddings. I was sad I wasn't able to help more but she just got everything done herself! She is very independant like that :)

(I'm seriously a giant next to these two petite girlies)

And our friend Taylor married his love, Becca (whom we had never met)

In December we convinced our good friend Erik Tue to try out to sing the National Anthem at a Jazz Game. Brian told me he would pay me $100 if I tried out with Erik... I don't think he believed I really would because we don't have that much money. But I decided to prove to him that I could and even though I was SUPER nervous, I decided it would be a fun experience. Besides, how many people can say they've done that?!  Needless to say our friend Erik has an incredible voice and it was no surprise to anyone that he was asked to sing. So he invited us to go with him and while all the players were warming up, we were able to sit on the bottom row and watch! It was cool!

Then of course there was Christmas!  That was fun even though we kept it low key. Brian bought me a gorgeous Djembe drum; it was a huge surprise! I had been talking about getting one for a while so I could join in with him when his buddies came over for some reggae jam sessions.  I allowed Brian to use some of the money we'd been saving to by a ps3, so it was a win-win situation.

Then I FINALLY talked Brian into letting me teach him how to ski, and what happened? He was hooked! And definitely a natural. I still can't believe how quickly he picked it up!

In January Brian and I were called to teach a primary class together!  We were assigned to the CTR 7 class and we loved them so so much! They were the cutest, funniest little stinkers ever. Even when they were disobeying we couldn't help but love them!

Sometime around then we also got together for a cousin date night in which Taylor Duncan came with his new wife Becca! Brian and I immediately hit it off with them and shortly after asked if they wanted to get together with us for a double date.  We were immediately friends!  We have a lot in common and get along so well.  It really is so much fun to have another couple to hang out with that isn't a "my friend and their spouse" sort of situation.  Brian and I both get along with both of them as a couple and when the four of us are together we constantly laugh and the fun never stops.  We love our besties Taylor and Becca Duncan! Now if only we could talk them into moving to Davis County so we were closer.  Maybe some day...we'll see!

 

In February we went on another ski trip for Valentine's day and invited my cousin Jenny and her husband Tyler to come along.  Once again I was very impressed with my extremely talented and naturally coordinated husband and his ability to keep up with them!  (He can almost keep up with me but not quite)!

also in February, my brother Trevor got married to Sherstin Stewart. It was so exciting and it was a relief not to be the only one married in my family any more!

In March we went off soda!  Also, my husband once again proved how much he loves and supports me when I decided to make a business out of my recent obsession, making headbands.  I constantly had a mess of fabric scraps, headbands, hot glue, pins needles and everything else all over the table.  I was also spending all of my spare change on new fabric or plain headbands, but he never complained. Instead, he helped me take pictures of my "models" for my website and figured out the paypal crisis I was having. What a good husband!

 

In April we decided we needed a break from the norm so we planned a short trip to Las Vegas!  We had so much fun even though I was pretty sick; I like to think I was a pretty good sport about it.  We gambled on the penny slots, met up with Brian's cousin and had a fun night on the town. Sat in the sun at the pool, went to an aquarium and got hooked up with free tickets to see Blue Man Group!

After we got back we got excited for the next big event coming up... Brian's brother David got home from his mission in Samoa!

In May we moved into our new basement apartment that we were extremely blessed to have found.  We had a blast taking down the horrible wallpaper that was in the bedroom and painting the walls a really pretty teal blue color to match the new duvet we picked out together.  I love decorating with my husband! Then Brian went on a six day trip to Arizona with David, his sister Joelle and her husband Mike to help them move to their new home.  I figured I needed something to do while he was gone so I decided I'd finish the bedroom and surprise Brian with it! Even though the project was bigger than I though it would be, I had a blast doing it while trying to be creative and save money.  All in all I think it turned out a lot better than I thought it would!

I also had a piano recital this month

And of course, May 31 was our two year anniversary!

Brian surprised me with a beautiful boquet of flowers! I wasn't the only one impressed to know that he put that together all by himself... apparently there was a gay guy at the flower show who couldn't get over his color coordination and creativity. He offered him a job and possibly kissed him as he left! ha ha

I love my husband so much and can't believe how much fun we have had the last two years of marriage. I can't wait to see what surprises year three has to offer!

I love you baby!