wish I were in dream land

I have never understood how people could have insomnia. Well, let me take that back, I understand how, obviously it isn't a choice, it just happens... I just couldn't imagine it.

Until the day my husband sold my dog.  I am so miserably sad that I can't sleep, and that is saying something. I can ALWAYS sleep.  I can always go to bed early, I literally look forward to bed time during the evenings, I can always take a nap, and you know how pregnant women often say towards the end of their pregnancies they just can't seem to fall asleep and they can't get comfortable? Ya... never had that problem.  I CAN be a night owl, but most often than not I just LOVE my sleep.  Even when I was pregnant and very uncomfortable, I could always find a good enough position to sleep, and during the day I can always take a snooze.  It's lovely. But not right now.  It is 3 am and I just can't fall back to sleep.  Initially I went to bed at 11 and fell asleep pretty easily, but then Brian came home from playing basketball and woke me up and now I can't get back to my dream land.  I just keep thinking of Mumford and how I am just sick with worry.  I think more than anything I am just mad.  You know when you have a really scary dream, and at the point in the dream that you realize you can't move or run, or you see the dead body or scary face or whatever, and you get those hot tingles all over your arms, your chest and your face?  I keep getting that, only I'm awake and I'm not having a nightmare. It's reality that is doing it to me!   (this is us tonight....)

I knew that we had to sell Mumford for the better for us all.  Brian and I have been having allergies, he's outside a lot, he is SO hard to bathe and keep clean and I just CAN'T keep up with his shedding AND keeping the house clean. But I am SO mad.  Brian promised me that we would let as many families as possible come and meet Mumford (we had about 25 people call about him), then the first guy who comes, BAM! Brian is pushing and pushing me to sell him to him... and for $100 less than we were asking! What the...
This guy is a very nice, LDS guy, but he is literally everything I DIDN'T want for Mumford; Which is why I am the most upset.  I wanted a family, lots of kids, close to Kaysville if possible, a stay at home mom that could be there with him most of the day, a fenced in yard for him to play in, and someone with experience with newfies so that he would have a slim chance of being sold again.  I wanted someone who knew what they were getting in to.  INSTEAD we got a single bachelor who shares a house with 3 roommates.  He has no fenced yard so I'm worried Mumford will be tied up while he's gone, (he has to work a job, right?) duh.  He's very active but I worry he thinks Mumford will be like a lab and just have never ending energy, which he won't.  He gets tired just walking the neighborhood, and he's only five months old!  This guy has no kids, not married, and what happens if he meets a girl, falls madly in love and she says, "It's me or the dog..." ??  What if he finds out he is allergic or has no idea what he's doing?  Not only does he have zero experience with newfoundlands, he has NO experience with dogs that I could tell. Period.  Brian kept saying he felt good about this, he is a great guy, but he just kept pushing and pushing every time I said I wasn't sure and now I just feel so sick to my stomach.  Even as I'm writing this I am getting those hot, nightmare tinglies up my arms and neck.  I should have put my foot down but sometimes I can be a push over I guess.
So, alas, here I am.  It is 3:15 in the morning, my eyes are tired but my brain won't shut off and I'm afraid it's going to be a while before it does.
I am very upset and frustrated. I NEVER berate my husband like this but that's just how mad I am right now. And he has no clue. I don't feel like he's even being very sensitive to the fact that I am just plain upset anyway because Mumford was my companion.  He doesn't understand what it's like for me to be home alone every evening.  Even if I keep myself busy, it just gets plain old lonely. There's not many options when you have a baby in bed by 7 to go anywhere and visit people, so that's where Mumford came in. It was nice to just have another living breathing thing around.  I'm not looking forward to having Brian go to work tomorrow. It's going to suck. period. I think Brian just never really attached to Mumford because he wouldn't PLAY with him due to his shedding, so he was just ready to give him to the first guy that showed him enough money, so he wouldn't have to worry about feeding him when I'm at work.  He didn't see his personality the way I did because mumford would spend the mornings outside while Brian was home, but inside with me when I was home.  He was the most amazing and well behaved puppy I've ever seen.  So mellow and so sweet with Legend.  I will miss him.
I am sad.