I'm really mad. I'm upset, hurt, angry, frustrated, and crying all at once. I am prepping myself to never talk to this person every again. I tell Brian it's done, this friendship is over. I'M OVER IT! And I'm feeling pretty good about that fact. I'm done with the crying and the loathing and the self pity and I've come to a peace of mind, an understanding and an acceptance that this can no longer be. Then something more divine has to step in and ruin it all. It says this to me heart, "Hilary. Be wise. It's okay to be hurt and to be angry, but you need to learn from this. You need to take this experience, forgive the person (although that doesn't always mean go back to being friends, because sometimes it's IS better to stay away so those angry feelings don't keep coming back), and move on... Learn. Something that this person did to me, might or most likely IS something I have done (hopefully in a smaller way) to those around me. So, begrudgingly I get on my knees and I tell my Heavenly Father the anger and the hurt I am feeling. I pour out my heart to him so He can take it away and help me heal.. then I ask him to help me never be the same. To help me see the good in this person and to be better myself.
So this is what I've learned:
Be there.
Be there for people even when to me, the request may seem insignificant and small. If someone asks for help in my mind I might say, "well they can find someone else or figure it out, it's not my problem"... or "it's not a big deal anyway." But maybe to them it is a huge deal. Maybe to this person who hurt me my request seemed unimportant and insignificant. But to me, it was a plead. I really needed help and I turned to someone I knew, or thought I knew, I could count on. Although I have forgiven this person and thank them for the lesson learned I will always see them differently now. Now in my times of need, their name will no longer be one of the first to pop in my head. They won't be the one I want to confide my worries or trouble in. I don't ever want to have to rely on this person again so much that when they don't come through for me it hurts me more than I thought possible. But I'm thankful, because now I am a better person. It only makes me that much more determined to be the friend my friends think to call in their times of distress and need. To be the one they cry to or share stories with and want to be around. I want to be a positive influence on those around me; I don't want to bring down a room with my somber attitude and my sad outlook on life. I want to be positive. I want to be there.
I am so thankful for my husband, Brian. He lends a listening ear and a helping hand and a strong shoulder to prop up my sobbing head on and he does it all without judgement. He lets me complain, curse, yell or whimper and he does it all with compassion and care and at the end of the day he is my best friend and all I need in this world. He lets me be grumpy, silly, goofy, mad, energetic, simple, complex, hard working or lazy and he loves each side of my crazy and exasperating personality! I love my husband.
And I'm grateful for a lesson learned.
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